How is a Mother to Love Her Gay Son?
By Jo Meyer
What is a mother, loyally devoted to her church and to God, to do when she doesn’t feel permitted to fully love her son as her mother heart yearns to do? Can a mother just pick and choose which parts of her son she will love? Wasn’t he created to be a whole, interwoven, functioning being; body, mind and spirit packaged into one unique person? How can a mother love her son for his quick humor, his hearty laugh, his creative, curious mind, his hands gifted to create beautiful music, and not love him for who he is sexually? Isn’t he an integrated person, every part essential to the other and to the whole? Can a mother redo or undo what was formed in her womb? May a mother even entertain the thought of remaking what God has fearfully and wonderfully knit together?
How does a mother live with the tension of sincerely wanting to do what is right before God and fully loving her child? How does this emotional battle ground shape the mother-son relationship? As the mother of a gay son, I grappled with these questions and concerns for fifteen long years.
Dan dropped the news that he was gay on his Dad and me one summer evening while we were relaxing in the quiet, dark of our backyard after a busy Sunday. It was in the mid-nineteen nineties; Dan was in his late twenties and was visiting us briefly. Our impulsive reaction to Dan’s announcement was to want to “fix” him; we could recommend some good books for him to read. Insensitive to the fact that he hadn’t come to the awareness of his homosexuality at the same moment we had, we neglected to enter into his struggle—into the painful wrestling and unwanted reality that had brought him to that certainty and that gave him the courage and trust to tell us. Needless to say, we spent a few tension-filled days of regretful misunderstanding and harsh words during that visit.
For years communication with Dan remained strained and sparse. But we were a close family and I wasn’t content with a superficial relationship with my gay son. I loved Dan and longed to know his heart. I needed to find a way to prove my love to him. I asked God to show me His mind and heart as I read books and articles, attended conferences and classes, listened to sermons, and studied His Word. I needed to learn what science had to say about human sexuality including homosexuality; I needed a peaceful confidence of Scripture’s teaching regarding homosexuality. The journey has been difficult and long, but I am grateful to God for bringing me to a place where I can confidently and fully love my son. To a place where I can love all of him and respect the moral and loving commitment he has chosen to make.
Making peace with myself and with God was the first big step in healing years of strain in our mother-son relationship. I pray God will give me many more years to prove to Dan my love for him as God’s fearfully and wonderfully made His child – and mine.